If you give a Kenshingumi a Chocolate
by EEevee
Summary: One-shot. Umm, a scary lil ficcy involving two modern young women, the cast of RK, and lots of chocolate. It could be PG-13, but I wanted to be safe.


Authors: E_Eevee and Eris  
  
Title: If you give a Kenshingumi a chocolate...  
  
Rating: R for language and other stuff (just to be safe)  
  
Genre: Humor  
  
Disclaimer: We own none of the RK people *sobs* They belong to their creater and everything associated with their publications, etc. We do own Raven & Storm (Eris) and Kite & Shadow (myself, Eevee). Not that you'd want them anyway.  
  
Author's note: This is a weird side story spin off to a mega-crossover we are currently creating. So if you want to know who Kite and Raven are go here:   
  
http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1457867  
  
Raven: Go home Saitoh! I only wanted you for one thing, and you passed out on me! Damn, I thought the famous Wolf would have more stamina than Kenshin.  
  
Kite: *curious* Really? He did...I mean, Raven!  
  
Raven : Do you think I would have gone to Hiko if.....   
  
Kite: *snicker*Oh.  
  
Raven: Even Hiko's not that great.  
  
Hiko and Saitoh: *extremely livid expressions* *murderous glares*  
  
Raven : He's all brawns and nothing else if you know what I mean. We-ll that's something they have in common.  
  
Kite: So Kenshin was the best?  
  
Kaoru: *shocked expression*  
  
Shadow: *reproachfully* Ki-te that wasn't nice, I thought you liked her.  
  
Kite: *blinks blankly* What? When'd I say that?  
  
Raven : I think Aoshi would be a better lover than both of them combined. I mean with all that meditation, he should know how to put out.  
  
Misao : *agressive stance and thunderous expression* Stay away from my Aoshi-sama   
  
Sano: I could help... *death glare from Kite* uh, nevermind...  
  
Raven : *addressing Misao kindly* I'll tell you if he's better later.   
  
Yahiko: *glazed look and oblivious stare* Where's the chocolate?  
  
*Raven hold up the bottle of chocolate syrup and Kenshin goes mad trying to get it from her.*  
  
Kite: *confused* What the hell?  
  
Kenshin : *drooling and looking suspiciously like a mad dog*I will do anything, that I will. Just give it to me!  
  
*shared puzzled looks among the Kenshin-gumi and Kite*  
  
Kite: *shocked* You drugged the chocolate, didn't you?!!  
  
Raven: What did you do the first time you tried chocolate? No it's not drugged. Although studies show it does have drug like qualities...  
  
Kite: Caffine. Feed the addiction*promptly pops a coke and starts to chug it down*  
  
Kaoru: *looking mildly miffed and very confused* Can I try?  
  
Kenshin: No *wild look**feral growl* MINE!  
  
Kite: What's with the 'mine' thing?  
  
Raven: I can get more, if you want, but it cost you.  
  
Kenshin and Yahiko: ANYTHING!  
  
Raven: *devilish smile* Get Aoshi to sleep with me   
  
Misao : *growl/whine thing* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !  
  
Sano: *starts to whine* Hey... *death glare, paralyzed*  
  
Kenshin: Come on Aoshi buddy, please for me? Your best friend in the whole entire world? I mean, look at all the stuff I've done for you... the least you could do is pay me back? I mean, you get to sleep with a woman... unless you don't swing that way *strange look*  
  
Kite: We-ll, if Aoshi doesn't want to you guys are screwed...since I don't think you two could subdue him. Then again, there are drugs...  
  
Raven: Don't be so sure. Chocolate has a very deceptive aspect to it. See?  
  
*Raven puts some syrup on her finger, Kenshin jumps to lick it off, but moves toward Aoshi and sticks it in him mouth.*  
  
Kite: *sigh* You're wasting good chocolate.  
  
*Kenshin jumps on Aoshi and starts to kiss him*  
  
Kenshin: *between lip sucking* Let me have some!  
  
Misao: *pissed expression**whips out daggers intending some serious harm*  
  
Kaoru: *half outraged, half apalled* Kenshin!  
  
Misao: *glaring at Kenshin* I'll skin him!  
  
Kaoru: *pulls out bokken* Leave Kenshin alone!  
  
Aoshi : *dead pan expression... (really thinking...-I could get used to this-)  
  
Shadow: Oh oh, bitch fight!  
  
Storm : Kill dammit. Kill  
  
Shadow: *excited* I'm betting on the one with the blue hair  
  
Kite: You guys! It's just chocolate. Fight the addiction! *ducks as something is thrown at her*  
  
Raven: *cackling evilly* Feel the crave and want I can satisfy!!!!  
  
Hiko: What's this bullshit that's happening?   
  
*Raven gives him some syrup and both Asohi and Kenshin attack him viciously*  
  
Shadow: *shaking head slowly* Stupid pathetic humans.  
  
Sano: Can I try some?  
  
Kite: *death glare*  
  
*Raven, ignoring Sano, gives some syrup to poor Yahiko* *he goes flying down the mountain on a crash course sugar high*  
  
Kaoru and Misao: *look up from thier fight to see their 'men' glomping Hiko*  
  
Hiko: What the fuck, get the hell off me you morons! *starts decking them* Hey, don't touch the cape! *gets some in his mouth*  
  
Kite: *nonchalantly pulls out a hershey bar with almonds**chomp* What? Why are you guys staring...shit! *bolts off into the woods*  
  
*Raven prances up to Saitoh and pours the remaining bottle of syrup on him*  
  
Sano: *pleading* Kite wait up...please let me try.  
  
*Sano giving up dives on Saitoh to try some chocolate*  
  
Kite *whips back around at full speed*God damn Bug! Taking the good ones... *fumes*  
  
*Kenshin, Hiko, and Aoshi notice that the wolf has chocolate all over him...*  
  
Shadow: Dog pile!  
  
Raven : *tsking playfully* Saitoh, I told you to go home. See what you forced me to do?  
  
Sano: *still confused and chocolate deprieved*  
  
Kite: *taking pity on him* Here *hands him an almond joy* Not too much now.  
  
Karou and Misao: *acting like spoilt brats* We never got to try it.  
  
Raven : Good   
  
Kite *takes pity on them* *tosses them an m&m each*  
  
Kaoru: It's...blue? Is that right? I thought...  
  
Kite: Well, you could have shit brown if you prefer.  
  
Raven: Kite, don't give them one!   
  
Kite: One m&m won't hurt...  
  
Shadow: *flattened ears* How overly generous you are.  
  
*meanwhile* the syrup orgie consisting of Hiko, Kenshin, Saitoh, and Aoshi had proceeded to rip all clothes of Saitoh and they were sucking the liquid out of his clothes.  
  
Raven: That's it we need more chocolate, and I know where to get it  
  
*Raven waves her hand and goes into the future where chocolate is abundant. She buys out a whole store and a sexy pair of tight plastic pants and a slinky top.*  
  
*A very hostile group notices the lack of chocolate the group crowds around Kite*  
  
Kite: *scolding tone used on pets and little kids* Bad, bad people! Shoo! I only have enough for three people! Me, Sano and Shadow.  
  
Shadow: *rolls golden eyes* And I only get an m&m   
  
Storm: Not me? *growls*  
  
Kite: Why you? Go beg for food from Raven. She's your mistress.  
  
Storm: Bitch.  
  
*Raven comes back with a case load and more of chocolate.The group turns to Raven and she hold up the new clothes she's bought and looks pointedly at Aoshi*  
  
Misao: *has regained conciousness from a nasty wack to the head* HEY! Leave Aoshi-sama alonnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  
  
Yahiko: *looking like he hit one too many trees on his rush down the mountainside*What ya got?  
  
Raven : I have plenty of chocolate, and I'll give it to you...but Aoshi first *meaningful look*  
  
*Aoshi mutters something and grabs the clothes and a bag of the godiva chocolates*  
  
Raven: *approving nod* Good boy.  
  
Misao: *wailing like a lost child* But AOSHI-SAMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAA!  
  
Kite: Why'd you buy him those? He can't tell the difference between cheap and expensive. I could've eaten those.*ignores Misao*  
  
Raven: *amused* Honey, it's all Godiva and Hershey. There's more.  
  
*Raven and Aoshi run into the forest*  
  
Hiko: I'll kill you all.  
  
Saitoh: NO these are all MINE!  
  
Kite: Why? There's cases here? Right? Why do you guys have to be so muhcho. There's enough to share.  
  
Shadow: Greedy humans. No better than they ought to be.  
  
Storm : These are all MINE.  
  
Kite: *suggests to the two pets* So bite their asses? *she nibbled on chocolate bar*  
  
Kenshin: That chocolate was meant for me! She left it as a present for me.  
  
*Yahiko sneaks up behind and grabs a case*  
  
*Sano looking to do the same gets another death glare from Kite*  
  
Kite: *warningly* Sano...  
  
*Saitoh, Kenshin, and Hiko are standing in a triangle, weapons drawn*  
  
Shadow: You have him on a tighter leash than me...   
  
Hiko: Last man standing gets the chocolate right?  
  
Misao:*having a break down in the middle of it*  
  
Kaoru: Kenshin...  
  
Shadow: So if I'm standing last I win the chocolate?  
  
Kite *shoves a bar in each girl's mouth*Shut up already! Quit whining over your lost men. Either get control over them or find someone you can control. Geez.  
  
Storm: You'll have to go throu me first mutt.  
  
*Storm goes and takes a box and tears it open and starts eating*  
  
Kite: You'll get sick...You'll all get sick.  
  
Storm: So?  
  
Misao *cross eyed*  
  
*Raven comes back with the new Aoshi*  
  
Kaoru: *Leaning against tree chewing on chocolate bar contently*  
  
Kite: Raven, you cat is going to get sick...what the fuck it that? Oh it's Aoshi! Sorry!  
  
Raven: Storm stop eating that.  
  
Misao: Swirly-eyed Aoshi-sama?  
  
*Raven grabs a bar and starts eating while watching in amusement*  
  
Misao: *tackles Aoshi sobbing*   
  
Kite: Could someone shut her up?  
  
Raven : I told you his ass would look great in plastic pants.  
  
Kite: Did you have to get hot pink? That's a matter of opinion...altho...*looks appreciative*  
  
*Raven walks to the triangle, and offers them a chocolate*  
  
*Everyone stuffs their faces till all the chocolate is gone. Raven notices that one case is unaccounted for.*  
  
Kaoru: Kenshin... *sees golden eyes*  
  
Shadow: Death match! Sudden death, w00t!  
  
*Raven notices that Yahiko is gone and so is the case.*  
  
All the guys in unison: Got any more?   
  
Raven: *grin* I saw Yahiko with a box  
  
Saitoh : Yahiko is evil! Kill evil instantly  
  
*chant* kill kill kill kill kill  
  
Hiko: Stupid child! I'm HIKO! I will have that chocolate. I NEED that chocolate!  
  
Aoshi: *still in tight, pink plastic pants**deadpan expression* Need more.  
  
Kite: *losing it with his arrogence* All you will have is my knee in your crotch if you don't shut up Pompous Ass.  
  
Kenshin: *gold eyes* Stupid child I'm the battousai! You will not tolerate such a theft!  
  
*All the men chase after poor Yahiko, except for Sano and only because Kite gave him a death glare*  
  
Raven: *laughs* Looks like another war just started *she followed at a stroll*  
  
Kite: Well, what should we do with them? *jerks thumb toward Misao and Kaoru bawling like babies and clinging to each other*Have you two ever considered becoming lesbians?  
  
Raven: *over her shoulder* Well I think that's their only option, unless they know how to make chocolate.  
  
Author's note: Mwahaha, just be greatful that I decided to cut the rest out. It gets really weird after that *evil laugh*. Reviews, flames, death threats, congradulations, and praise welcome! 


End file.
